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Getting to Know Your Teenager: Creating a Good Parent-Teen Relationship
Getting to Know Your Teenager: Creating a Good Parent-Teen Relationship
It's your son's birthday today, and you just realized he has reached thirteen. Gone are the days of childhood years for him, as he welcomes a new phase in his life -"I'm a teenager!" For your child, reaching the 'teen' years is a chance for him or her to finally have a "say" with their life - once they reach this point, their natural thought process becomes "I am a teen now", "I can make my own decisions", "I am not going to seek my parents advice because I know what's best for me". While your child thinks this way, you on the other hand cross the sea of turbulent worries. You try to protect them as much as you can; even to the point of holding them back with the things they consider their "personal freedom". It is but natural for parents to be concerned and worry about their children all the time. But when the "worrying" and the "personal freedom" clash, it results to bad parent-teen relationship that significantly affects family life. Parent-Teen Relationship First of all, as a parent it is important for you to accept that there will be changes when your child reaches their teenage years. Not only will the changes be on the way they dress, their interests, and the kids they hang out with, but they will also seek their right to be independent in many ways. It is in this stage that parents and teens may experience losing the once beautiful relationship they had. Nevertheless, there are ways to prevent teens from becoming "separated" from their parents in the process of their quest for independence. Parents can battle 'losing' their child to peers and vices, and even to drugs by doing certain helpful approaches in parenting teens. Constant Communication Bad parent-teen relationship may be the result of little or no communication at all between the teen and their parents. Communication is a very important factor in preserving any relationship, especially with parent-teen relationship. When there is communication "breakdown", teens no longer share with their parents how they feel and vice-versa; this causes arguments from even the littlest things and later into bigger fights that puts a strain on their relationship. All is left to "fate" and hope that the child makes the right decisions in his or her life; this should not be so. As a parent, it is your responsibility to guide your child to the right path through constant communication. Talk with your teenager openly and honestly. With every given opportunity like sharing a meal or a day out with them, make them know that you're there to listen to them and ready to understand how they feel. Even the simplest text message asking them how they are and how their day has been are great simple ways of communication. Establishing and Respecting Boundaries While your teenager may feel that they have acquired the "know-how" of acting independently, they will still need your help in setting boundaries for themselves. They'll need all the guidance of their parents in learning to respect set expectations, particularly when their "independent" decisions will affect others. At the least, parents have the duty to immediately get involved when the situation has an issue of trust or danger. Boundaries are anything that can be agreed upon by you and your teenager for various issues. It may be in the form of obeying curfews, chores participation, managing their time for schoolwork, hobbies, family activities and others. These boundaries created by parents, must be openly and honestly communicated to children and hear what they have to say about it. Remember these boundaries will only be successful if they're realized by the child as their own; they will only work if the child chooses to respect them. Boundaries are as solid as the teenager who allows them to exist, and they are most successful when they're flexible. Practicing what you preach A parent's behavior must be reflective of the choices, actions, and manners of their own life. Being a parent means initiating conversations with your child and asking them what they need from you. Don't wait till they come to you; approaching them and listening to them when they talk to you will play a very important role in bridging gaps between you and your teenager. Parenting teenagers is not easy, it will involve a "getting-to-know" process as your teen takes on a new road in life. Seek to know your child in many "avenues"; if friends, teachers, or parents call you to give information about your teen, don't disregard them -respond right away. Any person who knows something about your teen is a helpful resource for getting to know your teenager better, and will help in preserving communication throughout the adolescent years of your child. Take note, listen, and encourage talks with your teens. Seek to put children first Even if your teen may not ask you to be his or her confidant, make them your number one priority. Be advised, talks that you'll have with your child during their adolescent years may be uncomfortable. This is normal, and difficult dialogues are healthy. Never stop listening to your child and get to know them better. Adolescent years are among the years when your child will need you most to overcome his or her fears, curiosities, and emotional difficulties. They'll need you to not be judgmental, disapproving, or ashamed of speaking to them. Let them feel your love by continuously listening and being there for them. Moreover, they'll need your support and advice when they've made a hurtful decision; let them know that these are opportunities to learn from for the right future decisions. Don't just be a friend, be a parent Teenagers will not need you to be a friend all the time. Every teen has the ability to find friendship and maintain them with others. What they won't be able to find and replace is your being a parent. Never think that an active and loving parent don't ask tough questions, pry, or don't demand their children to be the most confident and self-respecting person they can be. In reality, being a parent is the exact opposite -be your child's advisor, their confidant, and their unconditional support system. Be your child's guide No matter how much they'd love the independence, your teen will to you first for guidance -whether they realize it or not. They will expect you to have the wisdom of what's good and bad. As a parent, you will be the first and the most influential person in your teen's life. Their definition of right and wrong, just or unjust, humane or inhumane, will not come from what they see on TV, friends, or the law -it will come from YOU. How to Get to Know Your Teen Among the most influential people who'll play an important part in your teen's life is their circle of friends. If they're like most teenagers, then they're likely to spend their free time with friends. Fitting in among peers will be very important to teens, and they may look to their peer group for hints of how they must behave. The circle of friends your teen will choose can affect their well-being and actions, whether for the better or for the worse. As a parent, you may feel that your teen does not listen to you and that their peers have all the power to persuade. However, the fact remains that teens will still look for their parent's guidance, so encourage them to talk to you about new things in their life -this will be a great way to give them advice and give light to situations that they may encounter along the way. Talking and listening to your teen, as well as knowing who their friends are, will allow you to know more about your teenager. Don't settle with just hearing the names of your teen's friends, get to know more about them and start from there. What to Say At least fifteen-minutes every day is all it takes to talk with your teen about things that matters most to him or her. Show how interested you are on how their school is going, who they're friends are, what they do after school, and even weekend plans. Always be open to whatever your teen wants to talk about, and be an active listener to make sure you'll understand what your child is letting you know. Making an open dialog with your teen, will make them feel comfortable talking to you for advice or good example, rather than their peers. What to do Aside from being available for talks, a parent can help guide their teens toward good choices through helping them with their social skills, getting to know their friends, and setting rules. Helping their social skills Some teens turn to drugs and alcohol to get them through uncomfortable social moments. It is essential that your teen learns to be comfortable with others. This can be done by asking them what makes them feel awkward -strangers, girls or boys they like, older teens -and practice some social skills with them like greeting others, how to break the ice, listening well, and asking questions. Letting them know how to resist peer pressure like offers of tobacco, drugs, or alcohol from other teens, will allow them to handle themselves well when the situation arises. Rules and expectations Setting rules is also a good way to let your teen know what you expect from them. For instance, enforcing "no-use" policy for substance use will set proper limits on your teenager's contact with friends outside school. Setting other rules like when your teenager spends time at their friend's house, or when going out to school events, and others, will play an important part for teen discipline. Knowing their friends Another important thing to do as a parent is get to know your child's friends beyond names. Meet and greet them and try to find out more about their interests, and the example they might be setting for your child. Never judge your teen's friends on how they dress, as looks can be deceiving. It is always more effective to talk to them and learn what they like doing, and whether it's unsafe, illegal, or risky. Don't stop there; get to know the parents of your teen's friends as well. In this way, you'll be able to make a "network" of parents that you can trust to check on your teen when they're at the other friend's house. Teenagers will change, and you can never choose who their friend's will be, but as a parent you can help them make good choices and resist peer pressure. Get to know your child's friends, set reasonable rules, and explain why they're needed. Most importantly, stay tuned to the world of your teen through talking to them every day. These are simple and achievable ways of getting to know your teenager; don't rely on merely watching them become independent -healthily involve yourself in your teen's life. Making a difference in your teen's life It always makes a difference when you get involve with your teen's life. Teenagers are less likely to encounter difficulty in facing the challenges of adolescence if a parent is always there to guide them in making the right choices. They can be pulled away from common mental health problems, vices, alcohol abuse, and drugs when they're doing positive activities and especially when they have caring parents who are involved in their lives. A parent's involvement and encouragement in their teen's life will show their child that his or her activities are meaningful and can help them pursue and identify positive goals as they get older. Moreover, a parent will be better able to witness the changes in their teen's life that will help indicate if there is a problem. A good relationship built with your teenager will make their road to adulthood smoother. Their becoming adults and quest for independence does not mean that your wonderful connection with them should go to waste. There are always ways to maintain a strong bond with your teen; after all a good relationship today, will mean a good relationship tomorrow. Make a difference in your teen's life by getting involved and getting to know them "again". Remember, they've grown out of their diapers and they're no longer the once very dependent toddler they use to be. Help them mature the right way, and be there to assist them with the right choices in life -they're future will depend on it.
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